I saw a quote today and it perfectly describes this difficult season of my life. It basically says that I may look like I’m doing okay but that’s only because God is carrying me and handling things for me. He’s keeping me together. All of the hardship my family and I have been through the last few months and continue to go through is SO heavy. (See that story here.) Some days I feel like I’m drowning. Some days I’m on the verge of tears all day. And some days I’m okay. Most days I look okay so I guess like the quote says, I’m hiding it well. But I’m not.
How am I handling it?
LOTS of prayer. LOTS of crying out to God. Bible study. Family, friends, and church. In the mornings I listen to a Bible Study podcast for the first half of my drive to work then pray the rest of my drive to work. While my husband is in prison we are doing Bible Studies together. We each do the same Bible study on our own then email each other our notes. On the drive home from work in the evenings I listen to an audio Bible app on my phone. I like the dramatized version because different voices are used and it helps keep my attention and helps me understand when someone different is speaking. I’ve converted my husband’s side of the closet into my prayer closet. In it I have a Bible, God’s Promises and God’s Inspirational Promise Book to help me find scripture to pray; notes, song lyrics and a box of tissues there for when I pray. It gets intense sometimes. At night before bed I read my devotion from Jesus Listens. The prayers in this book have been exactly what I needed for that day so many times! I like the note taking edition to write down my thoughts and how that prayer helped. Last year I wrote my notes in purple, this year I’m writing them in teal. It’s nice to see how God has answered prayers and where I’m still praying for answers. Please don’t think I’m diligent enough to do all of that every single day because I’m not! I do some of it everyday and occasionally I do all of it. But it’s much, much better than the once or twice a month I was reading my Bible and praying that I was doing before hard times hit my family. We need growth and improvement in all things. Too often we try to reach perfection in something then get discouraged and give up when we aren’t able to do that. But the real goal is growth and improvement.
Why it’s wrong to hide it
What’s wrong with hiding the pain and letting people think I’m okay? That puts the focus on me, not on God. That makes people think I’m strong enough or things aren’t that bad when I’m not strong enough and things are that bad. God is carrying this for me. He’s carrying me. It reminds me of that poem “Footprints in the Sand” by Mary Stevenson. I’ve heard that poem my whole life and often thought it was a little cheesy. Not until I was in the hardest season of my life did I understand and appreciate that poem. I know without a doubt that God has been carrying me through this. He has also carried my pain. There were times I felt like, as He carried my pains, He rested His hand on my shoulder and let me feel just a little bit of the weight and it was too much for me. I would say, “God, this is too heavy, please take it for me.” And He would. Every time. So should I walk around depressed and crying all the time so people can see that I’m hurting? No, but when people ask how I am, I say I’m good, because God’s got me.
How do I know God carries me?
Like the song says, the Bible tells me so. (Jesus Loves Me) Isaiah 41:10 says:
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (emphasis added)
The fear part is hard and something I have to give to God constantly but when I give Him that fear I feel His strength, peace and that He is holding me up. And Isaiah 40:11 says:
He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. (emphasis added)
How sweet are these words??? They were written to the Israelites during one of the many difficult times they endured: war, separation, loss. Isaiah was reminding them of God’s promises: that He loved them, cared for them and would protect them. It reminds me of Jesus being our Good Shepherd who will leave the 99 to come look for me when I wander off (again) in Luke 15. Stop for just a minute and imagine that picture: God holding you in His arms, carrying you, loving you, and comforting you. Just like we do with our kids. What a beautiful picture!
Strong
People often comment how strong I am, to go through what my family is experiencing and to keep going. I’m quick to tell them, I’m not strong at all, my God is strong! In the first few hours and days after my husband left and I was in shock, Psalm 3:3-5 was my go to:
But you, Lord, are a shield around me,
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
I call out to the Lord,
and he answers me from his holy mountain.
I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I would and still pray for God to lift my head. I know the only reason I’m able to sleep and get up and go to work is because the Lord sustains. me. His strength is why I can keep going.
I’m not strong or okay or “handling it” because of anything I’ve done. God is strong and God is handling things for me. I just have to keep reminding myself to stay out of His way and stop telling Him how to do things!
I would love to hear your questions and comments so please leave them below. Please share this post with your friends! Until next time…I’m praying for you, please pray for me!